Tommy Black and the Cringe Factor

A letter from my friend and correspondent Tommy Black:

Dear fellow football fanatic,

I need help. I have had more than a few cringe attacks over the past
2-3 days. They predominantly occur between 7-8am and 6-730pm and while
unknowingly watching channels 7,9&10. Relief comes from leaving the
room or shooting the screen Elvis style but inevitably returns in the
back half of a news bulletin (their description not mine). Short of
leaving more holes than Warwick Capper's CV in my Bravia, what can I
do? I have estimated that the symptoms will last a further 28 days and
I am more agitated than Rev Fred Nile synthesis Cross on a Saturday
night.

Help!
Tommy Black

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Dear Tom,

First of all don't ignore the cringe factor. But have some pity and
compassion for the stale breathed oxygen thieves out there, reading
off the autocue just as a pimple-riddled, ganja-addled kid has to read
his screen at your local Micky Ds or as a 20 something gen Y crunt
driving a Soarer calls himself a 'consultant' when in reality he cold
calls pensioners on commission trying to sell them 120GB broadband
plans. It is just their job. They have no say over what sport they
read or cover, and clearly just read what is provided for them by
shorthand hacks who wouldn't know the difference between Roger Milla
and Roger Federer.

It is unfortunate I agree, as those who have nor been baptized in the
true game may have thier first exposure to football through the
aforementioned toolbags, or via heaven forbid a Sandy Roberts or a
David Schwarz, but in life as in football you can not control
everything. Life is about the constant push/pull of holding onto
something and letting go. Consider, if you will, the choices we face.
Would you choose a game covered by David Basheer/Kevin Muscat, or one
by Brian Taylor/Dwayne Russell? I hope that this example
Is helpful to illustrate that we should not be too judgemental of
those who are chosen by SBS to deliver our daily ration of the great
game. Even the Hun, the journal of the unwashed, is at best a pimple
on the ass of football coverage, but even the ass must be free for the
mind to follow, and I hope you do.

So I prescribe to you the following:

1 banning of channels 7,9&10 until August 1 including their HD
channels;
2. no football related banter, analysis or small talk unless you are
certain the other person/people can tell who both a-gobbed in Rudi
Völler's hair in the 1990 world cup and b-which stadium it was played
in;
3. apply rule 2 to all electronic correspondence also.

I hope this proves instructive in curing you of the cringe factor.
Snobbery through active avoidance of idiocy and media appealling to
bogans is not a judgement call, but looking reality in the face and
saying 'hi, I'm ready'.

Yours in football,
Jorginho