WHERE IS GUUS? AN ODYSSEY IN VERSE

Where is Guus? An odyssey in verse...

1 then 2 then 3 and 4.

Fozzie could not take no more.

So out of the pool he promptly got out,

and decided to go and sort this out.

He packed his toothbrush, his wand and his hair,

and thought to himself:

"oh where oh where...

would I find Guus Hiddink, the man was a gem,

a Dutchman, an enigma, we really need him"

He first asked Sepp Blatter of his whereabouts,

Neither he nor Platini, nor any Dutch scouts,

knew where Guus was living,

where he now drank his pils,

some said he had left football,

and all of its ills.

But then he met Eric,

Cantona by surname,

who looked larger than usual,

with a porn star style mane.

"Rey Eric please help me,

I am seeking the Guus.

Our football it needs him,

it needs a real boost."

"Why should I 'elp you?

I am busy you see?

And if I so choose,

I do not come free"

"That's OK coz' Frank Lowy,

has plenty of francs,

the stuff's overflowing,

the guy's a big bank"

"OK I will 'elp you to find the great Guus,

I'll be the engine and you the caboose.

If you make him a deal I want 10 per cent,

And if he returns, I'll be assistant"

"Let's make haste then Eric,

there's no time like now"

"OK 'old you 'orses,

and non have a cow"

So into the fog, through the river of Rhine,

the pair paddled slowly, one stroke at a time.

Up through Belgium and after a day,

the town of Varrseveld was still far away.

"You are ready for rejection, you know that Foz non?

Guus Hiddink he's free now, his life is ze plonk"

"I'm sure he will answer the call of distress,

And then Foz looked down and felt quite depressed.

That Pim he has ****** us,

right proper and good,

Garcia up front,

and Kewell on the wood?

next day the press conference,

what was his concern?

His comb-over the dipstick,

not whether he'd erred.

So you see he is cactus,

even Dutch, he is mud.

So Guus needs to come back,

and replace that short crud."

Just then Eric shussed him.

"We is closer than I thought, we're near Varrseveld.

There's herring and boar in the air, can't you smell?"

Then Eric accosted a local and asked,

the answer he eagerly sought came at last.

"'is 'ouse in close by,

get your lines right and true.

If you don't get his interest,

you are basically screwed."

They then heard a grunt, followed up by a fart,

and a belch that began well below the man's heart.

The man with the sound came out with a gun,

he lined up 4 bottles and nailed every one.

The men caught his eye, and he asked with a sneer;

"What the **** are you 2 doing here!.

Eric! is that you? and is that the Foz?

What's up? are you looking for the wizard of Oz?

Come in I've eaten, but there's plenty more.

I hope you like herring and twice roasted boar."

On closer inspection, the man was a mess.

He'd forgotten the core art of one getting dressed.

His shirt was reversed, akimbo at best,

His penis exposed and too much man breast.

Showing the way and fiddling downstairs,

"What is going on you 2? tell me true your affairs.

Is it about Pim?

Has he completely gone cracked?

I'm surprised he hasn't played Kewell at the back.

That line up with the Krauts,

mijn god! what a joke,

the man has been sniffing way too much coke.

when he was assistant I had my own doubts,

I tried telling Frank but he didn't hear me out.

So now it is all the fault of the FFA,

I asked once or twice but they shooed me away."

"Come back" said the Foz

"I'll talk sense into Frank"

"Don't bother," said Guus

"I'm not going back,

I'm enjoying my life living here in my shack.

No money will tempt me, no reward of that kind,

I've won trophies and glory and I'll leave them behind."

But what if? said the Foz

"what if you gave it one more,

to bring us to glory from where we are on the floor.

They would would say that man Guus,

took the rabble of men,

and magically made them a success ,

made them respected again.

Wouldn't that be the way that you'd want to go out,

instead of the Turks turfing you out?"

"That is very romantic,

you make it sound...nice.

But my ego does not swell to that crude device.

Ask Eric here, he knows that a man like myself,

he does not coach for just fiscal wealth.

I do it because he can do as I want,

And not be dictated by stupid old *****.

That Lowy, for me to evee come back,

would have to give full reign to me and my pack.

I want Vidmar out, and that Arnold prick too,

And then I want Buckley gone with his spine made of goo.

Bring back John O'Neill he had balls and strong back.

If you can do this I'll give it a crack."

Foz's head was now spinning and joyful in pain,

The next day he boarded the Melbourne bound plane.

Sat down with Les Murray and hatched a bold plan,

A signed petition from every true fan.

In a week a new Guus, shaven and sober,

Reacquainted himself with a nation once over.

There was joy in the streets and new hope in the air,

Guus was back, glory be and the end of despair.

When Foz woke he knew then it had all been a dream,

David Seaman had been trying to wake him it seems.

As he stared at his hair, long as a horse mane,

He promised himself not to do spliffs again.

GP